You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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