trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
