I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
