i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
