his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
