It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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