drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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