Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
