just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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