I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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