Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
