thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My day in three words: secret purse cake
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
