Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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