dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
