the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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