yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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