What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I touched a dick in church today
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
