I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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