Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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