i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
