I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize