discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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