i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
