Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
