a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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