What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
