I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
