The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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