Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
