Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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