my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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