Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
okay pat passed out under dana's car
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
