I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
