Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
