I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
