After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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