Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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