My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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