Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
