My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm too high and old for this...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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