you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
