i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
