Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
