Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
