Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
