it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
