If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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