There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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