Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm both gender and math confused
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
