he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
