Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
