god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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