i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Holy sore nipples Batman
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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