The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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