Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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