I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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