I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
