apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Randomize
