Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
